By Lea Altea Winnen November 12, 2024
At times like tonight, I feel like I am failing
as a mother. One child is jumping around
like a crazy puppy, the other one is crying for water (which I keep on the
nightstand), and they are both late to bed.
They finally settled into bed with me.
I co-sleep, it was kind of planned, but then not really. It just “happened”. Two and five are not an age where co-sleeping
is uncommon. But normally (in past generations, to cultivate independence) children
were sent to sleep on their own, and it is frowned upon in Western society,
today. My youngest (2yo) is still
breastfeeding, which again is not uncommon, but frowned upon. I have wanted to ween him for a while, but
I'm just burnt by morning when each child wakes up a few times a night.
The sad part is that many mothers feel this way, they fell
into motherhood with this romanticized idea of what it was going to be
like. Many Women believed they would
have the perfect baby, and they would start sleeping on their own through the
night by 2-6 months. They believe their
angel would be weened with ease. Then,
that sweet little toddler would engage in educational games, eating organic
veggies, and taking walks with them in the evenings like the perfect nuclear family. And on top of it all, balancing their careers,
like a seal balancing a ball on their nose.
After the baby, soon you realize the realities of that made-up life and
the wishful fantasies that came to mind in your pre-baby years. Maybe these ideals came from watching the
perfect families on TV. Perhaps you saw your mother or grandmother handling the
home with grace, but the reality hit you like a falling anvil from a cartoon.
My sweet three-year-old was not happy to give up the boobie
and become a big brother. We went head-to-head,
hormonal me holding a newborn in a body carrier and a jealous cranky toddler. I
could not put my newborn down to sleep because my oldest was trying to climb on
top of him, and my oldest refused to sleep altogether. Now, it was no more normal naps for my oldest…he
started to bite and hit me when I tried to put him down. So, I strapped everyone into their car seats
and off we went for an hour or so drive to get the wild child and newborn to
sleep, stopping only so often to get a Starbucks in a drive through window. This became the only way I could get them
both to nap peacefully.
I took them to parks and on trails, anything to keep my
three-year-old happy and engaged. Most
of the time the newborn was just strapped to me in a carrier or in our wagon
stroller. It was how I managed our
time. I cried almost every day because I
could not keep the house clean and I was so tired from battling with the three-year-old to go to bed. Many nights he
would wake up and just fight me to get him back to sleep. Me and my husband play musical rooms,
switching back and forth between our two rooms in our apartment, to try and
keep the kids down and happy at night.
Still, somehow, I had it in my head that moving to Italy
would solve all our problems. My husband
would be near his family and friends, and they had a big family house that his
parents would share with us. So, onto a plane, I went with a 4-month-old and a
3.5-year-old. Alone. I was out of my
mind. My oldest was pretty good for the
most part as we rushed to each plane, and then sat for hours on end. It was the baby that was struggling with the
fights and sleeping. And when we got to
Italy, I was without my husband, as he stayed behind to finish packing our
stuff into storage and finish up his work.
I was alone with his parents with two children. They did not speak English,
and I don’t speak Italian. It was harder
than I could have ever imagined. I
missed my husband. I missed having my
freedom to go where I wanted. Both his
parents had declined so much that they rarely left the house, and the house
seemed to have been neglected for a while.
I remember thinking I was crazy, and that I should just go back. But back to what? Me and my husband were struggling in the States
too. Daycare was out of reach for us,
and I made more money in the States than him. I had talked with him about playing the role
of stay-at-home daddy for a while, but he refused. So here we were.
I don’t blame for husband for his choice. I know he missed his homeland, and he was an only
child. His parents and the family home needed
some TLC. Also, he really did not have
the know-how to manage two kids at home by himself. If I was struggling, with my 20+ years of experience
(working with children), then how would he be fair? I
never planned on being a traditional wife.
I did want kids, but I always imagined something different than the
reality of what I am living now. Life is
funny like that. It pulls you in a different
way than you could ever have dreamed of, just like that. Good or bad, it just does.
I believe many mothers are experiencing the same realities
at different levels like me. Some women can
manage these various roles with ease, but I believe when you have a good
partner and/or resources, it can make the roles of wife and mother that much easier. For the ladies who are struggling to fill the
“Supermom” role, many of us have been groomed to believe it was possible, we keep
coming up short and can’t figure out why.
I know it took a lot of soul-searching to come up with the realization that
I could not be a “Supermom”. I can’t do
it all. I want to. I want to be better and achieve more for my family’s
sake, I forsake who I am as a person when I try and do that.
My self-care is very minimal and basic. I hate hearing how I have “let myself go, and
“maybe you should dye your hair” (it’s gray).
But I am struggling to find ways to manage my home, family, and myself,
so it is a low priority for me now. So basic self-care is what it is. I want to do more, but until we are in a position
that allows for more, I am sticking to my basic routine. I make time for what I think is the most important,
and all the other stuff will have to wait until I can either, I become a vampire
or a rich duchess, whichever comes first.
So, ladies, if you are struggling under the weight of the
realization of motherhood and feel the shame and guilt of not being able to be
“Supermom, " you are not alone. I
think in this era of women, who are being more open and honest about our experiences,
which is incredibly important. We need to learn how to work together as women like they did in a bygone era. Our experiences
can help to change our futures little by little and help the next generation of
women decide from a realistic point of view if motherhood is right for them.
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